I keep giving and giving. But it feels like nothing is on it's way back to me. Which of course, is not TRUE, but that's how it feels.

It feels like nothin's been feeding the well and so it's Black Rock City dry.

But still I keep tryin to pull water up, pull water up to nourish other people.

So I'm giving without soul now. I'm giving in action, but in motivation, I'm feeling overdrawn empty well dry.

What I need is love. Isn't love always what's missing. More love is the answer to every question posed problem.

I need to feel more love.

Well, let's work through this then. Let's process. Here's the process:

I need to feel loved. What makes me feel loved?

ATTENTION. I know some think it's wrong, but it's just my way. I feel surrounded by the thing that doesn't touch. It's got power and tangibility and a bulbous moving pressure that reminds me I am alive. I feel loved when one person - not many, necessarily - when one person whom I admire sets their sites on my being with compassionate intensity. I can accept attention one on one like no other. I blossom with attention. I feel loved.

And why not let that attention be touch? Thy type of touch that drills consciousness into the shape, muscle, ligament, spot, microcosm underneath it's pointers. It's listeners. Attention via the listening hands. I can tell, people, who's hands listen and who's do not. I can tell because I have a built in love radar and I know, without touching, whose touch is embued with the depth of what it's connecting with.

Attention and touch.

I feel loved with attention and touch.

My well fills with more to give when I receive loving attention and touch.

So I guess the kickstart to feeling plentiful again is simple: I will hang out with a friend who pays attention to me and buy myself an hour and a half massage this week.

If that's all it takes to assure my clear water, strong center, freedom loving state of being so that I can give more and receive more without feeling depleted or taken for granted, then I'll get a massage every week. Who did I think I was not getting myself massages, anyway?

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She tried to warm her hands before applying the make up, which was clay, to my body. Thick, betonite clay designed to dry out over time. And crack. Like the photographer had envisioned.

The women prepared me as if I was Princess becoming Queen. They wrapped my locks with colorful string and stone beads. The White Skinned Woman cared about which way the hair laid and it mattered to her more than it has ever mattered to me. I began caring, too.

57 Country Woman tried to warm her hands before applying the make up, which was clay, to my body. And I become covered. And the clay dried chalky white over every inch of my nude body. And the women's hands were drying, too. So they took paints to my eyes, and took the color from my eyebrows. I saw a gorgeous albino woman looking out from white cracked skin behind wise blue eyes. And then they adorned me with artifacts. I held around my neck snake vertebra and one of the two-toed sloth's toes. Beaded loin cloth from Africa, embroidered tassels from Peru, arm bands from the Amazon. I carried the child sling basket - these, the 57 Country Woman brought back with her as costume ideas. And today there were costumes. And today an American Tribal Queen they decorated was not lost, not rude, not tired not once.

And four hours after the onset of the preparation, I found myself in front of a camera. With a man attached to it. And he was looking through the magnificent magnifier to see if the Queen had arrived. With palms painted gold, she had.

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I'm not one of those people who walk with a goal in mind. I'm not aiming for anywhere because I can't see that far. I'm actually one of those people who innately enjoys the journey.

I don't look four feet in front of me - I can't even see past my nose. When I walk, I don't see anything at all. I feel the motion. I walk because I enjoy so madly, the feeling of walking.

It's important for those of us who do not look ahead to remember to at least once in a while, stop. And turn our heads to look behind. Just note how behind you today the scenery is so different than a year ago today. So far you have come walking, just enjoying the feeling. Some credit is due. This is your creation. Take a bow and blow kisses if it makes you come alive. Or just learn to smile the deep inside smile.

Things are going so well. Jasmine is in bloom and I don't have time to clean my own apartment. For like, five months for real now. But that jasmine is in bloom, so all is right in the world. Things are going so well. I smell jasmine.

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