Never been too good at meditating in the usual sense.

Though I've practiced meditating for months consistently and traditionally at a time, I still get really annoyed at how slow it is. So I stand up and go to the drum and bass club and dance to give shape to the dark, chaotic timbers and sequences. So I carry the bike down to the street and ride like my Electra was a Harley, just peddling and moving through the air - the wind moves across my face and I am free coasting downhill. Or I pick up the poi and find a natural spot - like my Hollywood rooftop, the edge of the ocean or sometimes at the base of some great mountain - and I spin circles surround me until sacred geometry fortifies my space and I know freedom through repetition inside inside.

Oh, I meditate. But I can't stand sitting still.

But just dancing doesn't meditation make. Meditation is a One resulting of the stacking of odds. Comfortable kicks, a plump sound system, responsive floor, open minds and one killer dj up my chances of being lifted, being educated, being danced. By what? What is dancing me?

These questions is where my meditations have presently brought me.

My practice then, is asking myself say, when I am reading a magazine by candle light in my brewing bath tub, "Who is reading the magazine?" "Who is taking a bath?"

Simply by asking, you are there. Happy to be alive no matter what you look like or remember or think you deserve. Who is typing this text?

To disassociate with identity is to disassociate with death just for one moment. When we don't believe we deserve death, for just one moment, we build the thing that doesn't die. So when we come back from meditation, we can continue living with the faith that some part of us will go on. Through which we maintain our sanity faced with mortality.

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Deserve does not exist.

There is nothing you can do to deserve to be happy, healthy, successful or loved. There is nothing you can do to deserve to be unhappy. You are alive and that is what makes any of these happy/unhappy options possible. Just consider: if you never existed, then you could never be happy. But you do exist, so I figure that gives you a near-one chance comparatively.

Near-one…. Zeros and ones. Chaos and manifestation…. Near one is probable.

Just existing makes you probable for any outcome. And so I'm not sure there is anything beyond living a life of statistics that would make any particular outcome more or less possible. You didn't “have it coming” and you can't “earn your keep”. Possibilities are noncontingent upon effort.

When you do put in effort, you are just stacking odds in your favor.

However, what you believe you deserve can change your life. You see, if you believe you don't deserve an available Lover, or respect from your associates, or to learn how to play the harmonica, then you certainly won't manifest those things. But if you believe you deserve gifts from your friends, collaboration with your mentors, understanding from your family, then it will be there ... probably ... probability.

You can not work harder to not work. Stop working to not work. Deserve does not exist. Have it now.

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I'm sorry I didn't call you.

I'm hanging around LA and perpetuating the cycle of something I find myself criticizing, that being the way people are friends out here. Lip service - I think that's what someone said. LA folk give lip service to one another - their associates, their agents, their potential collaborators - you never know whom might be the one to with that special vibe that will become a partner in your artistic and business visions. So you give lip service to everyone. I forgive LA folk for giving lip service.

But I can't forgive myself for not calling you.

When friends give lip service, well ... the friendship stays in the shallow end. Where I grew up, in a farm town in southern Michigan, then residing in that dirty clean midwestern city Chicago, people say what they mean and since they are generally good folk, what they mean is generally good. So people say good things to each other because they feel it. They are real. And the ones whom you take on as friends are the ones whose realness matches yours. Not the ones who might help you produce your next show. Likely necessarily, that is.

And when I met you that nite it was evocative. Images of my twin soul haunting me for weeks. You were so gorgeous and it was like looking in a mirror. Your instincts, your locks, your movement was like mine. I was seeing myself and she was not a supermodel and would never fit the cookie cutter and she was the most gorgeous creature I have ever seen in my life. And that woman is you. And you are me.

I thought about you for weeks. I assumed you were busy as LA folk uncannily are. I assumed maybe you weren't one of the standard Hollywood industry type and you had fulfilling friendships with deep people in real time. And I of course, was so concerned about being someone that would establish myself as someday one of your received admirers, that I never called at all.

I haven't lost site of you, but I fear I have surrendered your consideration of me. Sometimes it seems LA is lip service or no service at all.

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