He does not crave attention, but he sure likes when he has all of mine.
Craving
Hollywood, CA
Hollywood, CA
February 27, 2006
Aliens
Hollywood, CA
Hollywood, CA
February 26, 2006
She is walking - yes skipping through the outer space farmland. Field and fields of dim constellations, just waving burnt out summer wheat yellow. Fields and fields of little twinkle creatures just buzzing - yes visiting you for a breathe or a bite depending on the kind.
There is a river flowing information and she dips her head in - yes submerses it entirely and opens her eyes underwater. A clear stream of tools to use as she wishes - maybe mansions, maybe stables, maybe tree houses. I hear the tire swings rock on the Other Side.
She is rolling in bumpkin overalls. Rolling in the high grass down the hill mowing over dandelions and hers was the mom whose head popped off. Popped off an asteroid. Now baby is always chasing shooting stars.
They burn up the closer she gets.
She is up in flames, running for the river when she feels a tug through the fabric of reality’s overalls. Tugging her towards a rip visible only by lightening. The rip is lightening – what is lightening, but a gateway between the worlds. She is lightening. And her body waits in this world while the other part of her goes in - yes is tugged through the rip in the fabric by a chord – a string – attached to a man’s hand. A man’s hand attached to a real man. A real man attached to the Earth itself. Made of magma, molten core - animalistically active and alive enough to birth himself an island right here. This man is an island of cooled lava and he is flying a kite feeling the kite’s tug on him. Looking up into cumulus clouds, not even questioning the presence of lightening in such a blue sky. Because this time, he doesn’t want to explain it away. All he wants to do is see what’s on the end of his string. Daring to lift his island away. To places he can’t imagine and outer space.
Somebody's world is about to change.
There is a river flowing information and she dips her head in - yes submerses it entirely and opens her eyes underwater. A clear stream of tools to use as she wishes - maybe mansions, maybe stables, maybe tree houses. I hear the tire swings rock on the Other Side.
She is rolling in bumpkin overalls. Rolling in the high grass down the hill mowing over dandelions and hers was the mom whose head popped off. Popped off an asteroid. Now baby is always chasing shooting stars.
They burn up the closer she gets.
She is up in flames, running for the river when she feels a tug through the fabric of reality’s overalls. Tugging her towards a rip visible only by lightening. The rip is lightening – what is lightening, but a gateway between the worlds. She is lightening. And her body waits in this world while the other part of her goes in - yes is tugged through the rip in the fabric by a chord – a string – attached to a man’s hand. A man’s hand attached to a real man. A real man attached to the Earth itself. Made of magma, molten core - animalistically active and alive enough to birth himself an island right here. This man is an island of cooled lava and he is flying a kite feeling the kite’s tug on him. Looking up into cumulus clouds, not even questioning the presence of lightening in such a blue sky. Because this time, he doesn’t want to explain it away. All he wants to do is see what’s on the end of his string. Daring to lift his island away. To places he can’t imagine and outer space.
Somebody's world is about to change.
Well Timed Words
Hollywood, CA
Hollywood, CA
February 21, 2006
Three days ago I was thinking those thoughts that people sometimes think for whatever reason when they feel vulnerable. And need some encouragement. Possibly in line with hormonal flux. Call it a low self-esteem day, cause that's what it was. Three days ago I called my momma and confessed that I felt like an overweight mediocre underemployed dancer and I don't know what I'm doing or why I think I have the right to do it.
Thank goodness I am a relentless, admittedly delusional (what of reality isn't), optimist. I asked myself, swimming in those thoughts, which really kinda hurt my own feelings to think and made me feel like throwing myself to the undertow, I asked myself what I really wanted. And I said, "to be complimented on my dancing by a fellow dancer".
Today I had the distinct honor of auditioning for Twila Tharp, a woman who has done for modern dance what Savion Glover has done for tap. A choreographer that university students study in text books. And after the audition she pulled me aside to tell me that she'd really like to work with me and ask if she could keep me on file. Then she looked me in the eyes with intention, possibly to make sure I was getting what she was offering, and then Twila Tharp said to me, "Tonya, you are a beautiful dancer. I love to watch you dance."
Those words meant the world to me.
Thank you, Universe. I will continue.
Thank goodness I am a relentless, admittedly delusional (what of reality isn't), optimist. I asked myself, swimming in those thoughts, which really kinda hurt my own feelings to think and made me feel like throwing myself to the undertow, I asked myself what I really wanted. And I said, "to be complimented on my dancing by a fellow dancer".
Today I had the distinct honor of auditioning for Twila Tharp, a woman who has done for modern dance what Savion Glover has done for tap. A choreographer that university students study in text books. And after the audition she pulled me aside to tell me that she'd really like to work with me and ask if she could keep me on file. Then she looked me in the eyes with intention, possibly to make sure I was getting what she was offering, and then Twila Tharp said to me, "Tonya, you are a beautiful dancer. I love to watch you dance."
Those words meant the world to me.
Thank you, Universe. I will continue.
Evolutionaries
Hollywood, CA
Hollywood, CA
February 15, 2006
Our mind's entire purpose is to make maps. To push pins in known areas and connect the dots. To sort and organize and categorize information using a living Dewey Decimal system that allows us ... to understand. Our mind was made to make connections, experienced or conceptual, so that we can map our world.
For the body to evolve, one must break through the current confines of their physical system. Through exercise, diet change, rest and detoxification, the body transcends to the next level of strength, vitality and efficiency. The transition often feels like sore muscles, withdrawal, sometimes exhaustion. These symptoms can be the signs of physical evolution. We have to go beyond what we previously accepted as possible to gain physical strength and it often feels like sore muscles or exhaustion.
For the emotional self to evolve, one must break the current confines of their emotional system. Placing ones self in the center of the emotional power point might feel like depression, anxiety, or love. All accelerate growth. We must look outside of our current comfort zone if we wish to evolve to be more emotionally powerful beings.
But it is often unrecognized by spiritualists, psychologists and healers that the mind's evolution depends on the same transformation. We mistake information acceleration for evolution and keep feeding ourselves more facts, more books, more details based in the current system, when in order to evolve, we must really step outside of the current system.
And because the mind's entire purpose is to make maps of it's world, ripping away these maps, questioning reality as we know it, expanding our ideas of what is possible, looks to the outside world like insanity. Yet who's to say that the homeless woman with no shoes on her feet is not playing with a bigger reality? Who's to say that the outlaw robbing trains is not developing our next larger financial paradigm? Who's to say the hermit poet isolated in poetry and insomnia is not also in playing with a world larger than what was previously intellectually acceptable?
In fact, with regards to humanity's mental evolution, I am convinced that madness is imperative. For only then do we stop building the current and advance to something larger. Should not the consciously coveted state of insanity not be fostered and praised then by the brave pioneers of not only human, but personal evolution?
It's the imprints one leaves while we don't know what how or where we are that determine the outcome of our growth.
Get sore, get depressed, go mad. Take us to the next level.
For the body to evolve, one must break through the current confines of their physical system. Through exercise, diet change, rest and detoxification, the body transcends to the next level of strength, vitality and efficiency. The transition often feels like sore muscles, withdrawal, sometimes exhaustion. These symptoms can be the signs of physical evolution. We have to go beyond what we previously accepted as possible to gain physical strength and it often feels like sore muscles or exhaustion.
For the emotional self to evolve, one must break the current confines of their emotional system. Placing ones self in the center of the emotional power point might feel like depression, anxiety, or love. All accelerate growth. We must look outside of our current comfort zone if we wish to evolve to be more emotionally powerful beings.
But it is often unrecognized by spiritualists, psychologists and healers that the mind's evolution depends on the same transformation. We mistake information acceleration for evolution and keep feeding ourselves more facts, more books, more details based in the current system, when in order to evolve, we must really step outside of the current system.
And because the mind's entire purpose is to make maps of it's world, ripping away these maps, questioning reality as we know it, expanding our ideas of what is possible, looks to the outside world like insanity. Yet who's to say that the homeless woman with no shoes on her feet is not playing with a bigger reality? Who's to say that the outlaw robbing trains is not developing our next larger financial paradigm? Who's to say the hermit poet isolated in poetry and insomnia is not also in playing with a world larger than what was previously intellectually acceptable?
In fact, with regards to humanity's mental evolution, I am convinced that madness is imperative. For only then do we stop building the current and advance to something larger. Should not the consciously coveted state of insanity not be fostered and praised then by the brave pioneers of not only human, but personal evolution?
It's the imprints one leaves while we don't know what how or where we are that determine the outcome of our growth.
Get sore, get depressed, go mad. Take us to the next level.
All The Way
Hollywood, CA
Hollywood, CA
February 12, 2006
Typed the morning of Saturday February 11th, 2006 after a bath with chamomile and frankincense. The moon waxes full tomorrow.
I can not help but feel responsible for last nite's events. I am fully able to respond to last nite's events.
I'm beginning to read him with absolutely clarity. I can consistently feel what he's feeling. I believe this to be possible because we have a connection and because the nature of our beings is honesty. In fact it is amusingly simple to feel what he feels. We now know each of us has this extra sensory communication, and we take it as common place, expected, almost unheeded anymore.
But recently something has been activated within me and I am taking in far more information than the extreme empathetic communication we have come to take for granted. The feelings I receive from him have now shape. They have words - often times full sentences - the sentences originate in my womb and sound like my own voice. Or the feelings have images - quite unlike my usual imaginings born of the mind, but entire scenes downloaded in a flash whose detail remains astute no matter how much time lapses - much like a memory recovered. However the most riveting development in our psychic communication is my Knowing. When the shape the feelings I receive from him fill me like hot bath water, relaxing every ... thing, and rooting me so deeply in ... something I don't presently have a word for, filling me bigger than me with certainty - I Know. And there is no need to confirm and there is no need to communicate because I Know.
And now, this morning after a chamomile and frankincense bath, I am feeling rather foreign to myself. Because of what I am response-able to last nite. And because I can feel myself rearranging, as I consciously drew down shape into myself from the chaosphere, this rearranging, likewise wishing the best for him as well, summoning those same powers unto him (had I known it would take so instantly - our connection now so strong!). But he is a novice and what happened last nite with him fainting and his reality turning into a question mark are the growth pains of a child reaching toward outer space.
What I am response-able to: I saw his blood sugar drop, breathing become shallow and heart rate hesitate. But let me be clear so we are not trying to feed from empty cupboards; none of these things dropped to a level abnormal to a healthy human being. His machine is not faulty in any way! The blood sugar was like any normal lull in one's day, easily sprung by a ripe nectarine. The breathing was shallow like the respiratory response to Los Angeles traffic. And the heart never stopped, but rather slowed down to the rate normally associated with rest. Sleep. Mediation. In essence, teddy went into an altered state, but not a dangerous one. Unless of course one forgets to bend the knees on the way to the nite club floor.
Recently he and I have been discussing our innate respect for one another's powers - he being Earth and Water, I being Air and Fire. We each have expressed an interest in learning from the other their assets to help one another Become. And I forget that learning his Earth (to ground, build foundation, find structure) is the precise exercise, I am convinced, that has made it possible to shape my extra sensory information, while his lessons of Air (communication, multi-layered reality, chaotic center) can feel like hell breaking loose for him. And require a spiritual faith to work from safely.
But as raw foodists we know that the body's only concern is it's integrity. It's only function is to maintain, repair, fortify itself for your housing. And in that, it will veto any circumstance in your world that might lead to self-destruction with all of it's might. So it is a compliment when the turmoil finds you. It means you are strong and able to sustain a growth spurt.
Seven days ago I arrived in the Bahamas needing a back massage. The shoulders this neck have been holding on tight and it hurts to be me around my upper body right now. Seven days later, now in Los Angeles, the love of my life falls to the floor three times before we make it to the parking structure, phones his children at one a.m. to tell them he loves them and asks me to drive him to the hospital. I'm glad he decided there was no one who could care for him in between those white walls. I'm glad he stopped wanting to know "what's wrong" with him.
I have a half-full well right now and I feel a little dry. I don't know how I can teach, guide or even assure the health of myself. But it is here. The growth. And I am complimented by the discomfort and determined to go all the way. I still need a neck massage. I might not get one. I will grow anyway.
I can not help but feel responsible for last nite's events. I am fully able to respond to last nite's events.
I'm beginning to read him with absolutely clarity. I can consistently feel what he's feeling. I believe this to be possible because we have a connection and because the nature of our beings is honesty. In fact it is amusingly simple to feel what he feels. We now know each of us has this extra sensory communication, and we take it as common place, expected, almost unheeded anymore.
But recently something has been activated within me and I am taking in far more information than the extreme empathetic communication we have come to take for granted. The feelings I receive from him have now shape. They have words - often times full sentences - the sentences originate in my womb and sound like my own voice. Or the feelings have images - quite unlike my usual imaginings born of the mind, but entire scenes downloaded in a flash whose detail remains astute no matter how much time lapses - much like a memory recovered. However the most riveting development in our psychic communication is my Knowing. When the shape the feelings I receive from him fill me like hot bath water, relaxing every ... thing, and rooting me so deeply in ... something I don't presently have a word for, filling me bigger than me with certainty - I Know. And there is no need to confirm and there is no need to communicate because I Know.
And now, this morning after a chamomile and frankincense bath, I am feeling rather foreign to myself. Because of what I am response-able to last nite. And because I can feel myself rearranging, as I consciously drew down shape into myself from the chaosphere, this rearranging, likewise wishing the best for him as well, summoning those same powers unto him (had I known it would take so instantly - our connection now so strong!). But he is a novice and what happened last nite with him fainting and his reality turning into a question mark are the growth pains of a child reaching toward outer space.
What I am response-able to: I saw his blood sugar drop, breathing become shallow and heart rate hesitate. But let me be clear so we are not trying to feed from empty cupboards; none of these things dropped to a level abnormal to a healthy human being. His machine is not faulty in any way! The blood sugar was like any normal lull in one's day, easily sprung by a ripe nectarine. The breathing was shallow like the respiratory response to Los Angeles traffic. And the heart never stopped, but rather slowed down to the rate normally associated with rest. Sleep. Mediation. In essence, teddy went into an altered state, but not a dangerous one. Unless of course one forgets to bend the knees on the way to the nite club floor.
Recently he and I have been discussing our innate respect for one another's powers - he being Earth and Water, I being Air and Fire. We each have expressed an interest in learning from the other their assets to help one another Become. And I forget that learning his Earth (to ground, build foundation, find structure) is the precise exercise, I am convinced, that has made it possible to shape my extra sensory information, while his lessons of Air (communication, multi-layered reality, chaotic center) can feel like hell breaking loose for him. And require a spiritual faith to work from safely.
But as raw foodists we know that the body's only concern is it's integrity. It's only function is to maintain, repair, fortify itself for your housing. And in that, it will veto any circumstance in your world that might lead to self-destruction with all of it's might. So it is a compliment when the turmoil finds you. It means you are strong and able to sustain a growth spurt.
Seven days ago I arrived in the Bahamas needing a back massage. The shoulders this neck have been holding on tight and it hurts to be me around my upper body right now. Seven days later, now in Los Angeles, the love of my life falls to the floor three times before we make it to the parking structure, phones his children at one a.m. to tell them he loves them and asks me to drive him to the hospital. I'm glad he decided there was no one who could care for him in between those white walls. I'm glad he stopped wanting to know "what's wrong" with him.
I have a half-full well right now and I feel a little dry. I don't know how I can teach, guide or even assure the health of myself. But it is here. The growth. And I am complimented by the discomfort and determined to go all the way. I still need a neck massage. I might not get one. I will grow anyway.
I Got Your Bulls Eye Right Here
Our Lucaya, Grand Bahama Island
Our Lucaya, Grand Bahama Island
February 09, 2006
Lately I feel like a walkin' target. You know, shameless pink and chaos black stripes? Concentric circles narrowing into the center, painted all over my forehead, just screamin, "Here I am - I got'cher bulls eye right here."
I can feel it. Something big is on it's way to me. Something even now taking aim and I can feel it, but I can't see where it's coming from.
This year, I don't know how I know, but I know it. This year is the year I will get what's coming to me. And it's huge. And it's already on it's way. I've got the perfect personality set up to allow for this type of delivery. I have faith and I surrender control with ease. I figure you put the two together and you've got idealism and powerful receptivity. Oh, I am a walkin' target.
Yea, I know targets can't always choose what they attract and I am fully aware that not only will shooting stars and lucky pennies be finding their way to me, but so might the flies, the predators and the dryer lint too. I'm as obvious as the black sheep, I am open as a yawn, I am the only light in the room and all winged creatures, some moths, some ladybugs, some dragonflies are insane for me.
All I can really to is try to influence which shots hold is by being prepared. By creating myself as the strongest dancer I've ever been and the healthiest raw foodist I've ever been and doing it in the most sustainable, non-obsessive manner I've ever employed. In other words, all I have to do is what makes me happy everyday. I don't have to even have a goal. Fifty years from now, I might not get the satisfaction of saying "I achieved what I set out to do." But I will get to say, "wow, my life has been a series of happy days."
Because I'm in this for the long run. It might take me the rest of my life to be the best dancer I've ever been. And I hope it does. That means I'll be dancing and getting better the rest of my life.
I'm a walkin' target and something great is trying to get at me. All I have to do is meet it half way.
I can feel it. Something big is on it's way to me. Something even now taking aim and I can feel it, but I can't see where it's coming from.
This year, I don't know how I know, but I know it. This year is the year I will get what's coming to me. And it's huge. And it's already on it's way. I've got the perfect personality set up to allow for this type of delivery. I have faith and I surrender control with ease. I figure you put the two together and you've got idealism and powerful receptivity. Oh, I am a walkin' target.
Yea, I know targets can't always choose what they attract and I am fully aware that not only will shooting stars and lucky pennies be finding their way to me, but so might the flies, the predators and the dryer lint too. I'm as obvious as the black sheep, I am open as a yawn, I am the only light in the room and all winged creatures, some moths, some ladybugs, some dragonflies are insane for me.
All I can really to is try to influence which shots hold is by being prepared. By creating myself as the strongest dancer I've ever been and the healthiest raw foodist I've ever been and doing it in the most sustainable, non-obsessive manner I've ever employed. In other words, all I have to do is what makes me happy everyday. I don't have to even have a goal. Fifty years from now, I might not get the satisfaction of saying "I achieved what I set out to do." But I will get to say, "wow, my life has been a series of happy days."
Because I'm in this for the long run. It might take me the rest of my life to be the best dancer I've ever been. And I hope it does. That means I'll be dancing and getting better the rest of my life.
I'm a walkin' target and something great is trying to get at me. All I have to do is meet it half way.
