There it is again – it’s happening a lot now:
that
feeling
that
I've
lived
my
entire
life
to
experience
this
moment
right
here
Vancouver, BC
Deja Vu
Deja Vu
November 28, 2004
Vancouver, BC
moved, touched, lost
moved, touched, lost
November 25, 2004
Oh, it sounds like a river running, rushing and I stone midstream. This rain this time of year in Vancouver doesn't stop and I'm not sure I'd request it if it did. I open my ears to a sound described as shaw, high pitched, like endless tires running through puddles, like a breathy hiss without ss, like a stone standing midriver, unmovable but deeply moved as the water parts itself and smothers me, unimpressed by steadfastness, foundation and rigidity.
I am a bath-every-night-hotter-than-the-tea-kettle kinda girl, but today I turned on the shower and had a seat. Like in the rain, letting water run rush right over me. It is not often, not often at all, that my head is touched knows this feeling - every two months I wash them out, these dirty now clean locks, these saturated now empty locks, these intense now trite locks. How profound the rare whet scalp ritual can be.
Up here in the mountains it is a late nite again and I am so so fortunate that worn as I feel, I cannot seem to get to bed earlier. I am writing, I am planning, I am meeting, I am imagining, I am choreographing, I am organizing, I am filming a dvd all in two days. I am really glad I am slipping in the sleep. Up here in the mountains, the spacious home of the producers; live fooders too, where I am staying - so so fortunate me. There is only a magnificent view of majestic wave Lion's Gate Bridge from my bedroom window, such a desktop picture from way up here. There is only forest, the Mt. Grouse Grind and forest, in the summer frequently wildly courageous black bear the Mt. Grouse Grind and forest, so far up the hill in the British Properties are we. The rain gains momentum and splits itself apart and has a laugh at the mountain - I can hear it now on either side of me.
And just now, when I am needed by so many friends (how do these things work like this, the stars dictate I'm forced to believe) - only now, when my days are pure schedule and my nites sneak sleep, do my friends call upon me honestly need me. News of illness, accident, betrayal, disease, an early child’s life lost...these things have found my closest friends and family, how do they do it all at once, and thus present themselves to me? I feel competent to handle them, I can balance all upsets, I want to be a good daughter, granddaughter, ex-lover, best girlfriend. I know I will do it all…Humbled by my own complexity.
As a beautiful shaw sings across reflecting streets. I turn a noise-maker on, set it to ‘rain storm’ and put my ear plugs in to grab some sleep…
Now empty.
Now trite.
Now clean.
I am a bath-every-night-hotter-than-the-tea-kettle kinda girl, but today I turned on the shower and had a seat. Like in the rain, letting water run rush right over me. It is not often, not often at all, that my head is touched knows this feeling - every two months I wash them out, these dirty now clean locks, these saturated now empty locks, these intense now trite locks. How profound the rare whet scalp ritual can be.
Up here in the mountains it is a late nite again and I am so so fortunate that worn as I feel, I cannot seem to get to bed earlier. I am writing, I am planning, I am meeting, I am imagining, I am choreographing, I am organizing, I am filming a dvd all in two days. I am really glad I am slipping in the sleep. Up here in the mountains, the spacious home of the producers; live fooders too, where I am staying - so so fortunate me. There is only a magnificent view of majestic wave Lion's Gate Bridge from my bedroom window, such a desktop picture from way up here. There is only forest, the Mt. Grouse Grind and forest, in the summer frequently wildly courageous black bear the Mt. Grouse Grind and forest, so far up the hill in the British Properties are we. The rain gains momentum and splits itself apart and has a laugh at the mountain - I can hear it now on either side of me.
And just now, when I am needed by so many friends (how do these things work like this, the stars dictate I'm forced to believe) - only now, when my days are pure schedule and my nites sneak sleep, do my friends call upon me honestly need me. News of illness, accident, betrayal, disease, an early child’s life lost...these things have found my closest friends and family, how do they do it all at once, and thus present themselves to me? I feel competent to handle them, I can balance all upsets, I want to be a good daughter, granddaughter, ex-lover, best girlfriend. I know I will do it all…Humbled by my own complexity.
As a beautiful shaw sings across reflecting streets. I turn a noise-maker on, set it to ‘rain storm’ and put my ear plugs in to grab some sleep…
Now empty.
Now trite.
Now clean.
Vancouver, BC
Constant Change
Constant Change
November 17, 2004
I spent the past eight weeks, in Tonya Kay terms, quite stationary. It seems I really did it this summer: traveling, meeting people, adventuring and exploring. I came off the road utterly exhausted with the need to disappear. So for the past eight weeks I made the grand effort to limit my whereabouts to only three locations and see what stability could offer. I planted my feet, remembered my name, witnessed an entire season (oh, Autumn) from beginning to end, only to realize: I totally suck at grounding.
There are several ways in which people experience their worlds. Some people are powerful hearers. These people connect through conversation, are particularly fond of music, and leave the television on for the noise. If you wanted to effectively communicate with a hearer, you would change their world through well-said compliment, or simply ask, "how does that sound to you?" Other people are powerful seers. Highly visual, appearance is important to them. They are hyper aware of where objects and people are and often have a special relationship with art and photography. If you wished to connect with a seer, you could give a beautifully wrapped gift and frequently say, "I see what you mean."
To some degree we all experience our worlds through each of the modes, though it is useful to know how you most powerfully receive information so you can do fun things like: increase your learning speed, help your friends help you feel loved, and develop your psychic abilities. Or in my case, stop making yourself wrong for not being able to live in one city like everyone else you know.
You see, there is at least one more mode through which people experience their worlds: some of us are powerful feelers. Our bodies interpret information: pain is devastating, loving touch divine. Emotions, even, are physical sensations that will move us in one direction or another. Sensuality is our primary concern, whether we are conscious of it or not. To relate to us effectively give us a massage or ask us, "how do you feel" about anything - we will always have an answer.
So now in Vancouver BC, teaching dance, filming a DVD, I will forgive this wanderlust that dominates my personality and keeps me running from anything that becomes predictable or routine. To this feeler, life is motion – boredom and stagnancy akin to death. Some people, bless them, can be satisfied having found one good destination. I on the other hand, love the process of getting there. “What’s next?”, I ask, as soon as I arrive.
There are several ways in which people experience their worlds. Some people are powerful hearers. These people connect through conversation, are particularly fond of music, and leave the television on for the noise. If you wanted to effectively communicate with a hearer, you would change their world through well-said compliment, or simply ask, "how does that sound to you?" Other people are powerful seers. Highly visual, appearance is important to them. They are hyper aware of where objects and people are and often have a special relationship with art and photography. If you wished to connect with a seer, you could give a beautifully wrapped gift and frequently say, "I see what you mean."
To some degree we all experience our worlds through each of the modes, though it is useful to know how you most powerfully receive information so you can do fun things like: increase your learning speed, help your friends help you feel loved, and develop your psychic abilities. Or in my case, stop making yourself wrong for not being able to live in one city like everyone else you know.
You see, there is at least one more mode through which people experience their worlds: some of us are powerful feelers. Our bodies interpret information: pain is devastating, loving touch divine. Emotions, even, are physical sensations that will move us in one direction or another. Sensuality is our primary concern, whether we are conscious of it or not. To relate to us effectively give us a massage or ask us, "how do you feel" about anything - we will always have an answer.
So now in Vancouver BC, teaching dance, filming a DVD, I will forgive this wanderlust that dominates my personality and keeps me running from anything that becomes predictable or routine. To this feeler, life is motion – boredom and stagnancy akin to death. Some people, bless them, can be satisfied having found one good destination. I on the other hand, love the process of getting there. “What’s next?”, I ask, as soon as I arrive.
Chicago, IL
The Purpose of Ego and Loneliness
The Purpose of Ego and Loneliness
November 10, 2004
In a small airplane you can feel the ground leaving, unlike jets where you feel the sky arriving. In a three seater airplane - just the pilot, co- and coco-pilot - the ground leaves you suckling midair, aware suddenly of the breast you were so entangled with, always feeding, always comfortable, that never before did you even know you had the nipple in mouth. And now it's not, and you miss it. This small plane ascending Chicago.
In the fields at first, in backyards at first - and yes, this is one of the reasons for this to be your favorite town. Fields and backyards a stone's throw from skyscrapers. Plenty of forest reserves, wooded parks, even corn fields and backyards. You are the harmless vouyer with the lights turned out so the neighbor lady doing laundry don't see you watch. No one looks up, the birds do not pause, the cars do not slow down, they just pull into their drive way at the end of a cul-de-sac, at a house with a grassy back yard without fence, love this city, and inside somebody's neighbor folds warm-dryer laundry, pausing to hold the fluffy towel to her cheek.
Relax. She is not so far. She is always in sight. Trust your mama - learning faith. Becoming separate. Yes, I can see the earth still, so I guess I'm alright, but for me, though not frightening, flying misses mom.
But isn't it neat how you see now the layout, the grid of streets, the flow of traffic, the bigger picture we all participate in and therefore create. These systems are created, not by design but mere existence - to be alive, you are influencing this pattern. And the way I see it, if one car is gone, Jenga don't come tumbling down, but it is different, that's for sure, undeniably changed. And if enough cars are painted red, then the flow of traffic becomes pastel blood down the highway, and when a majority of cars are the same color, then the blood glows fire - and that is how things change. So yes, it was important that you voted and when red tips 51% then the organism will look different. It is visual. Here's your proof in a plane.
You can see money, as an entity, I swear.
And these systems we create: how to pass on the left or stay in the slow lane, how build higher and higher and put a little flashing light on top, how to use cement as a rule that must be followed - civilization, organization, cooperation, Tarot deck King. What we do for each other so we can live with each other and take care of each other. And it works.
I see gold, I see orange, I see the strangest shade of autumn red on the tops of the trees, so many maples. So many trees, love this city, all the way to Lake Shore Drive, LSD, public domain always will be. The most active harbor in the United State's is not even on the ocean and most coastal dwellers couldn't even find Lake Michigan on a map. For miles and miles; maples, sugar maples strange autumn red, precious changing seasons, everything cycles, even your red blood majority.
In a three seater airplane, you ascend to see, to gain perspective, to become separate, to learn and grow. But always to return, in the name of reunion, to arrive home, only this time suckling consciously.
In the fields at first, in backyards at first - and yes, this is one of the reasons for this to be your favorite town. Fields and backyards a stone's throw from skyscrapers. Plenty of forest reserves, wooded parks, even corn fields and backyards. You are the harmless vouyer with the lights turned out so the neighbor lady doing laundry don't see you watch. No one looks up, the birds do not pause, the cars do not slow down, they just pull into their drive way at the end of a cul-de-sac, at a house with a grassy back yard without fence, love this city, and inside somebody's neighbor folds warm-dryer laundry, pausing to hold the fluffy towel to her cheek.
Relax. She is not so far. She is always in sight. Trust your mama - learning faith. Becoming separate. Yes, I can see the earth still, so I guess I'm alright, but for me, though not frightening, flying misses mom.
But isn't it neat how you see now the layout, the grid of streets, the flow of traffic, the bigger picture we all participate in and therefore create. These systems are created, not by design but mere existence - to be alive, you are influencing this pattern. And the way I see it, if one car is gone, Jenga don't come tumbling down, but it is different, that's for sure, undeniably changed. And if enough cars are painted red, then the flow of traffic becomes pastel blood down the highway, and when a majority of cars are the same color, then the blood glows fire - and that is how things change. So yes, it was important that you voted and when red tips 51% then the organism will look different. It is visual. Here's your proof in a plane.
You can see money, as an entity, I swear.
And these systems we create: how to pass on the left or stay in the slow lane, how build higher and higher and put a little flashing light on top, how to use cement as a rule that must be followed - civilization, organization, cooperation, Tarot deck King. What we do for each other so we can live with each other and take care of each other. And it works.
I see gold, I see orange, I see the strangest shade of autumn red on the tops of the trees, so many maples. So many trees, love this city, all the way to Lake Shore Drive, LSD, public domain always will be. The most active harbor in the United State's is not even on the ocean and most coastal dwellers couldn't even find Lake Michigan on a map. For miles and miles; maples, sugar maples strange autumn red, precious changing seasons, everything cycles, even your red blood majority.
In a three seater airplane, you ascend to see, to gain perspective, to become separate, to learn and grow. But always to return, in the name of reunion, to arrive home, only this time suckling consciously.
