They said nice things, but nothing in my heart changed as I smiled and said thank you. They were everyone you've ever met and I was just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

I was rude. I was needy. I was terrified. I was boxed in. And I drank the wine and it tasted brown paper. I sang the song and words bit my tongue. I stood on the dance floor to let the music take me and have it's way - my way - with us. And I became embarrassed when it left me standing. Awkward and exposed. On my floor without movement. A pillar in the hurricane. A confused child in a dramatic crowd.

Nothing inside.

Sleeping well and wishing for it eternal. It is summer and everyone is happy. I watch them play like children. I watch the children play. I watch the plants grow and I wonder if fruit will ever taste good to me again.

They tell me it will. Even though I shoved them away. I tell myself it always changes - just be patient. I don't know patient. But I know it will always change.

When I want to drink water again, it has changed. When I climb in the bath again. When the drowning dreams cease. When I feel something genuinely pleasurable - only I know when that is - when I genuinely feel simple pleasure ... it has changed.

It has changed.

It has changed.

My toes on the carpet feel weak, but intelligent. They are ready for something. So am I. My toes grip the floor, spread out wide and lay down. I can move them up and down independently of one another. And it feels good.

I can't depend on my heart right now. But I am writing and the words come easily. I am dancing and the toes like the music. My heart must be a survivor's because it is taking pleasure.

The spell is breaking.

Something has changed.

0 comments Links to this post