I, too, can focus so intently on one person that I see only the beauty that makes them specifically them: No one else tucks his chin in and smiles a smile that makes women simultaneously want to rip his shirt off or provide a teat for his suckling child mouth but him. No one else can do sit ups every third day and have sleek, falling stomach sloping subtlely into his belt line like that. No one else seems that blessed - like nothing jaded or dark or insecure could ever penetrate his existence. Like everything he touches melts towards his hands - hands that should hold a chisel and hammer so skilled they are at touch, or good god, be sculpted like the masterpiece they are themselves.
How is one supposed to feel next to that? Like I am trying too hard and getting too shy results. I see myself as forever youthful and limitlessly athletic and relaxed through a nite of deep, lucid sleep. Everything he already is.
Yes, I too, know this thing we mistakenly call envy, but I have always pronounced it 'love'. In fact, the way I see it, they feel exactly the same. When I see it like that.
3 Comments:
It is a truism that jealousy implies caring and love, because only could such desire give rise to jealousy. It is an interesting behaviour here in Australia that often that one is only accepted through derision. Because if the person deriding you did not care, they would remain silent - the good natured insult (as vicious as they may seem to outsiders) is actually said with a certain level of love.
So - perhaps in this self-reflection it shows how much you care.
Just my thoughts.
Cailean.
I understand the Australian way of bonding all too well - my family are BIG teasers. Sometimes until tears. And that's the way I learned that I was loved.
How that translates into my adult life is two-fold: I can "hang with the guys" in a verbal slaughtering and am what they call an "excellent sport" at such chidings (I see it as love!), and also I have hurt a few lover's feelings with what I see as innocent picking before I realize that not everyone was raised like I.
I hear France and can confirm England have Australian initiation through derision as well:-)
I think ... the reason why you are not hurt, but perhaps why your lovers were hurt - is because of trust. You trusted your family and your friends not to hurt you - so when they said something, perhaps you didn't take it so personally, but was curious about why they said it?
I think that is how I see love and a bit of chiding - if you trust someone, a little poke keeps you on your toes and not so complacent. It's different when it becomes patronizing or actual abuse - I had that with my last love and it was unbearable, since it was quite vicious beyond the realm of friendly pokes - but that's probably a big reason why we're no longer together!
As to England and France - perhaps it is a French idea that migrated over to England in both their histories and as an English colony, Australia has picked up much of England's dry wit and sarcasm, but we have a unique spin upon it which I can appreciate :)
Cailean.
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