Yea, okay, I'll hang up the phone now. Even though I didn't say what needed to be said. I dropped the hook deep in that sea a couple of times, hoping you'd bite and ... be on the other end. But it seems like every time I have a need of the loneliness kind, you have emotions that need far more care.
And they do. So I say, "How did that feel?" and "That must be hard." Even, "I understand." But no one on the other end of the cell phone, nor putting on make up one mirror away in the dressing room - I am naked. I am always the most naked in the dressing room. I am exposed and it's not because I "love my body" and I want to show it off. I certainly don't hate my body, but sometimes I do. I am naked because it's my body and I don't feel like it has to be covered all the time. It is as innocent and infantile as that.
Neither they nor you on the other end of this mobile conversation ask me, "How are you doing?" "What's going on." Even, "Hey, I notice your not holding eye contact today." No one asks.
And that usedta woulda driven me nuts and make my loneliness -need a bigger issue, just driving in that disconnection feeling and barren loss of attachment feeling. I am an outsider of my own reality. I am outside my own world.
Oh, little Miss Renegade, how deep the personality dismantling experiments go. Oh, Little Chaos Magickian, how freedom and disintegration are just two interpretations of the same feeling.
Like celebration and anarchy. Like desire and destruction.
On tour, I'm such an introvert in the middle of social oblivion. I fight for a true moment securely alone. And I fight so often that I make it happen and make it happen, in my reality, so well, that when I need to reach out and touch, I find only the inside of my own introverted box. But I want to touch someone. I want to feel someone feel me.
But I'm going to make art of it instead. It's so much healthier than sitting on the telephone waiting for you to "figure me out". And I so don't have the energy or security to reach out and confess of my own accord. Instead of being hurt or mad or martyred, I guess I’ll hang up the phone now.
Make art instead.
Long Distance Life
Minneapolis, MN
Minneapolis, MN
November 24, 2006
5 Comments:
When one throws themselves into the Abyss, one rarely finds the bottom. It's an endless fall into the darkness, into the unknown, only occasionally filled with a few flashes of light. Within those flashes is where we find a true happiness that few have ever known, simply because most have never had the courage to step off the edge.
But you did. Enjoy the ride, traveler. There's another light just up ahead...
HK
I have a tendency of falling in love with the darkness on the way down. I can respond only that it is delicious material for creativity. Otherwise it would make me mad.
While others struggle to find the light, you instead choose to see in the dark. A rare gift, indeed. The black embrace holds both salvation and madness. You grasp for salvation (masked as creativity), and shun the madness, but for how long?
Is the light too familiar? Too easy? The temptation of the unknown often leads to shadowy paths where one can lose their way. You must be able to see both in the dark, and in the light. A balance, if you will, of Yin/Yang proportions.
HK
After achieving your first Chrysalis - you will find that your contact with baselines will wane. You become a different creature - a world apart. We can respect the ant for their methodical, driven and humble nature, but we are not ants. There is no shame in being an ant - but to associate with ants? How can we? There is no frame of reference.
Disconnectedness ... have fought with that myself. I personally believe it's because the way other people connect just isn't a true connection - even love is just a "this person is cool and I like them, so I may as well spend more time with them." It's not a state that lives outside of itself, it's not a connection of the soul as I feel that it should be.
At least with most people - this is how they see things. They don't achieve a deeper level of connection and they are content. They take it for granted, it is their "normal."
But to others - we know there is more to life, we know that a deeper connection exists. We have felt it - we have felt it with the Earth, we have felt it with the Universe and beyond. That is what we call connected. That is why I struggled with disconnection - and I came to realize that with ant-people, they will connect with other ant-people - but they will not connect with me. I don't want to be an ant and I will not be an ant. All they can offer is ant-connection.
(Waking Life has a great analogy of this principle - check it out sometime.)
So, perhaps you do seek a deeper connection but others may not know what you mean by it - they are satisfied with their ant-connections and think you're strange that you cannot do the same ...
But you are not an ant.
As to being an outsider in your own reality, or outside your own world? Be your world. Create your world. Do not be beholden to any reality but your own. Shape it, create it, change it, destroy it. It is YOUR reality. No one else's. No one can dictate it and you are always free within it.
There are no rules and there is nothing there holding you. All life is Chaos and so are you. Do not do, but become. Ascend. More Chrysalis awaits. More eyes to be opened and more to know, always more to know. Let go, give in and ride the wave.
We shall talk more, anon. Check the site for "The Beast" sometime when you are free ... then ... I think you shall enjoy Shadow a great deal. It relates to my own struggle with disconnection and definition.
Thank you both for addressing the Darkness, which I romance and Chaos, which I bow to, in terms that let me know you understand.
There are those of us I call evolutionaries. The central instinctual and genetic concern of society is reproduction and survival. Going too far left or right is a threat genetically and instinctually to human's entire existence.
But our growth and evolution relies on a few renegade random occurances that risk the safety and survival, but burn us into more vast realities and potentialities.
Diving into our fears (Darkness) and sitting inside what cannot be known (Chaos) are evolutionary acts. Pure renegade.
And it only takes a few of us.
It is nice to know I am not alone.
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