I have to believe.

While I am lying on this rooftop, topless with shameless pink bikini bottoms reading a hardcover book about funeral customs in the Hollywood sunshine, all by myself and liking it that way, I have to believe that there is something deep inside me transforming.

Though I can't feel it. Though I can't name it. Though I can't understand it, I must believe that I am writing in invisible ink my fate's genetic code. I am obsessively designing and dissolving sigils. I am emitting the brown note - a note so low it pulls you down, so down, squatting inches above the ground and when you drop it all the way - that's the brown note. So inaudibly low, it shits all the way.

This is what they call faith - the real kind of faith. The kind you can't see, can't hear - can't prove with a team of lab coats or telescopes or stock quotes. The kind that creates a world in which the impossible often happens. Effortlessly happens.... and thrives. The world I wish to live in.

Single black bird calls from the palm tree top. One black bird on one of two palms, right over my shoulder. Black bird said what I needed to hear. Though I didn't understand, I listened anyway.

That is faith.

It is too easy, here in Los Angeles, to look at that billboard and wonder if I'm skinny enough, or pull up next to that BMW and wonder if I'm successful enough - all thoughts that leave me feeling small and witholding love from myself based on some goal-oriented delay-gratification destination. So I've decided I no longer want to Be anything, but instead will celebrate the Becoming.

And as I lie here feeling my skin turn pink as brazilian bikini bottoms, gulping gallons of filtered water, ignoring another Hollywood helicopter hoovering overhead , I must believe. I must believe that something deep inside me is transforming. I must believe that I am at this very moment changing into the strongest, healthiest, most stunning, most talented, financially coveted, sexually self-expressed and spiritually-free woman I've ever dreamed of being. And just for that - just for being in the process - I deserve love. Unconditionally. Right now.

The Becoming doesn't require proof. The Becoming requires faith. Black Bird, I am listening....

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