Everyone likes to feel extreme emotion, or so goes my theory. Hence the popularity of those unbearable sappy romance flicks, jumping out of airplanes for sport, and the endless romancing of love until it is finally worth our while. Yes, I conclude that America’s population in general is either so bored, over stimulated or spiritually ambitious that we simply can’t do without our emotional calisthenics - flexing, admiring in the mirror, forging new frontiers in our yellow polka dot bikinis. Eat your extreme spinach and become a bipolar Popeye.

But what about the consequences that inevitably accompany these emotional extremes? Feels great to get angry, start a fight at the bar - but not so those stitches in the forehead. Same with summertime romance - breathtaking while it lasts, but what about those pesky months of confusion and heartache to follow? Well fear not, my darlings, America can keep you at work and away from said consequences with a steady supply of antidepressants, television and habitual consumption. True also, my darlings, these fix-alls have side effects of their own, but they will go mostly unnoticed while under the influence of Ritalin, Jaegermeister and a daily supply of paid-for 6:00 news bulletins.

Unless of course, you are willing to try something different. Something daring, dangerous and entirely unorthodox. Something completely experimental and absolutely unauthorized - the Frankenstein of remedies, if you will. A fax just came through to my portable Florida office with the chicken scratchings of one Dr. Kay, mad scientist of sorts, with a notorious penchant for nekedness and the macabre. Said something about skinny dipping the River Styx. Said something about winning at strip poker The Ring. This could just be the prescription we’ve been waiting for, My Preciouses. Don’t you see there is only one way to find out?

Go now, sweet children, and disconnect the Play Station, neglect the anytime minutes, and abandon the Doritos. Go now before the end of the month, before the veil again thickens, before the prescription expires. Go now and at last experience emotions without consequence, fright without affliction, the height of human extremes! Seek out the nearest Spook House, Haunted Hayride and Cornfield Maze and voluntarily get the piss scared out of your over stimulated, spiritually evolved, spinach eating American ass.

And do it neked. Doctor’s orders...

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